A Second Chance
by VietAngel
Summary: A series of tragic events in Asha's past have caused her to lose all enthusiasm for love and life. Can Alec convince her that he's the man who can give it all back to her?
1. Dreaming of You

Title: A Second Chance Pairings: Alec/Asha, Max/Logan Disclaimers: The usual. I don't own these characters...blah, blah, blah.

* * *

"Oh no, please sweetie, no clothes yet," he said as he watched her pull the t-shirt over her head. She bit her lip shyly and stared at her hands. "Please?" he begged as he tugged at the end of her shirt. "Ok," she said softly. She lifted her arms and allowed him to pull the shirt over her head. She quickly hugged the sheet to her chest and lay back down beside him. "You know I never figured you for the shy type," he said. "And I never figured you for a satin sheets guy," she replied. "When you have a goddess in your bed, you can't just have her sleeping on anything," he said. "That's sweet, but I'm far from a goddess," she said as she smiled at him. "Are you kidding me? Come here," he said, getting up and pulling her out of bed.  
  
He walked her over to the full-length mirror and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist to keep her in place. She couldn't pull away, so she folded her arms over her breasts and stared at her feet. He rested his chin on her shoulder, and pulled her arms away. "Don't you know how beautiful you are? Look at you, you're perfect," he said. She turned around and kissed him passionately. "Asha...," he whispered into her mouth.

* * *

"Alec! Wake up!" Max yelled as she shook him, "you're talking in your sleep." "Ok, ok I'm up! Geez!" he said. "So...Asha huh?" she giggled. 'Damn' he whispered under his breath. "Hey, the woman is hot, and I'd very much like to get in her pants, why wouldn't I dream about her?" he said. Max wasn't convinced. She knew Asha meant more to Alec than he was letting on. He had real feelings for her, she was more to him than just another one night stand. "What are you guys talking about?" Logan asked as he returned from the bedroom. "Asha. Alec is in love with Blondie," Max teased. Alec looked at her incredulously. "I'm not in love with her. I like her, I mean look at the woman...she's gorgeous. I'd have to question the manhood of any guy who didn't try to get a piece of that. Uh, no offense Logan," Alec said.  
  
"None taken, I'm no exception to the rule. I've definitely tried," Logan said. He looked over at Max and she was shooting daggers at him with her eyes. If looks could kill he would be a dead man. Alec laughed at her and she gave him the same look. "It was a long time ago, Max. Asha and I grew up together. When I left for college she was a freshman in high school and a skinny, flat chested, tomboy of a little girl. I saw her again her senior year when I came home for Christmas break, and Asha Barlow the tomboy little girl had become Asha Barlow the well filled out woman. We had a little fling shortly after her 18th birthday, but that was it. We realized we were more like brother and sister than anything else. See, you have nothing to worry about, she doesn't want me anyway, and my heart belongs to you now." Max smiled.  
  
"While we're on the subject of Asha, has anyone seen her today?" Logan asked. Max and Alec both shook their heads 'no'. "She was supposed to bring over some documents she and the S1W obtained and I haven't heard from her. I've been calling her at home and on her cell and she hasn't answered either one. I'm a little worried; it's not like her. Max, would you mind going over to her place to check on her? Make sure everything's okay?" Logan asked. "Sorry, no can do. Normal's going to can my ass if I don't get back to work soon, but Alec's free," she said as she got up and headed out the door. Alec rolled his eyes at her, but he was happy to have any chance to see Asha. Logan looked at him, waiting for his answer. "Sure, I'll do it. No problem," Alec said. Logan gave him the address, and then he hopped on his bike and headed over to Asha's apartment.  
  
Alec knocked and knocked, but she wasn't answering the door. He knew she was there, he could feel it. He was ready to break the door down when he finally heard her approaching. She threw the door open, not even bothering to see who it was. Alec couldn't believe his eyes. She was wearing nothing but panties and a very thin, tight baby doll tee. If he hadn't been so busy staring at her breasts through her white shirt, he would have noticed her face was flushed and she was soaked in sweat. When her eyes finally focused enough to see who it was, she turned away and flopped down on the sofa, wrapping herself in a blanket and curling up into a ball. "Sure, I'd love to come in," Alec mumbled as he followed.  
  
"Asha, wake up. Logan sent me over to get some kind of documents from you," he said. She didn't even stir. "Asha!" he yelled. "What?" she whined softly. The sound of her voice worried him. "Just tell me where the documents are and I'll get out of your hair," he said. "On the kitchen table, and lock the door on your way out," she answered. Alec retrieved the papers, but stopped before heading out. "Hey, are you okay? You don't look so good," he asked, standing beside the sofa and pulling the blanket off of her. Asha nodded her head "yes", but he wasn't convinced. She was shivering despite the warmth of the apartment, her eyes were glazed, and her face was flushed. He placed a hand on her forehead and didn't like what he felt. "Asha, you're not okay, you're burning up," he said. He immediately dropped the papers and headed to her bathroom. He searched the cabinets frantically, finally finding what he was looking for. He then made his way to the kitchen and got a glass of ice water.  
  
"Hey, sit up for a sec," he said, returning to Asha's side. She sat up slowly, with a little help from Alec. "Here take these," he said, and handed her two aspirin and the glass of water. While she swallowed the pills, he brushed away the sweat soaked strands of hair that were plastered to her forehead. "Come on, you should be in bed," he said when she was done. "I'll be fine right here, you should head back now. Logan needs that information," she said weakly, as she lay back down. "You feel like crap and you're worried about Logan? He can wait. I'm more concerned about you right now," he said as he gently picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Asha would have argued with him, but she didn't have the energy. He put her in bed and tucked her in. She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Alec stayed around for hours, watching her sleep and monitoring her fever.

* * *

"Gee Alec, thanks for taking care of me. Sorry I've been avoiding you for a week, but hey, I'm feeling a lot better now!" Alec said as he sat down beside Asha, "You don't call, you don't write. I'm hurt." "Alec, I'm really not in the mood," Asha said, picking up her beer and walking over to a table instead. He followed and took a seat across from her. Asha stared into her beer, avoiding his curious gaze. "Look Asha, I'm not trying to play games with you here. I'm just trying to be friendly. That's generally what you do with people you like," he said, reaching across the table and taking her hand. A small smile crept onto Asha's face. Alec was a nice guy. A cocky guy, but overall, he was good.  
  
She looked up at him and he smiled. "I'm sorry I've been avoiding you, and thank you for being there for me. It was really nice of you. It's just that being sick, and dealing with Eyes Only and the S1W has had me in a really pissy mood lately. I've just been overwhelmed," she said. "Well in that case, I have the perfect cure," he said, "Hang out with me tomorrow night. It'll be great. We'll have dinner, watch a movie or two...what do you say?" Asha wanted to say no, but the way he looked at her...she just couldn't resist. "Sure, why not? I could use the break," she giggled. "Great, I'll get the food, you pick the movies. Pick you up at seven?" Alec said. "Seven is great," she answered. "Good, I have to get going, but I'll see you tomorrow," he said "and Asha, do the world a favor and smile a little more today...the sun could use some help." With that he got up and left, leaving a blushing Asha behind.  
  
TBC... 


	2. What Just Happened?

"What?" Asha said as she popped another grape into her mouth. "What? I didn't do anything," Alec answered. "You're staring at me," she said. Alec's eyes scanned her body again. She was so gorgeous. She was perched on the counter beside the stove. She was leaning back slightly, causing the baby tee she was wearing to rise a little, showing off her cute little navel and flat stomach. Alec had to fight the urge to put whipped cream all over it and lick it off. Her low-slung jeans hugged her hips and those beautiful long legs, allowing the straps of her sheer black thong to peek over the waistband just a little. Alec wondered if she was wearing a bra to match, until he realized she wasn't wearing one at all. He smirked, as he looked her in the eye. This had to be a game; there was no way she couldn't know why he was staring at her and what she was doing to him.  
  
"You really don't know?" he asked. The confused look and the shrug she answered him with told him she was genuine. She was totally clueless, and he thought it was amazingly cute. Most women he'd encountered who were even half as beautiful as her were totally full of themselves, and here she was—this goddess of a woman, totally oblivious. It was also sad--sad because if she didn't know, she obviously hadn't been told enough. Alec stopped cutting the fruit and approached her slowly; he stood between her legs—his hands resting on her knees. "You really have no idea how gorgeous you are do you?" he asked. She squirmed at his closeness and he could tell he made her nervous. She looked like she wanted to bolt, so he grabbed a piece of strawberry from the fruit plate he was putting together, dipped it in whipped cream and put it to her lips. "Here, taste this and see if it's sweet enough," he said.  
  
He watched intently as she slowly opened her mouth, her pillow soft lips brushing his fingertips lightly as she took it in. Her eyes closed and she sighed in contentment as she bit down, the taste of the sweet fruit flooding her mouth. There was a little bit of whipped cream on the side of her mouth and Alec wanted desperately to kiss it away, but he knew it wasn't the right time. Instead he brushed it away with his finger. "Oh wow, these are so good. I haven't had fresh fruit in so long I've forgotten what it tastes like. How'd you manage to get so much?" she asked with her mouth still full. "Did a favor for the produce guy. It should keep me in fresh fruit for the rest of the year," Alec said. She grabbed another one and sighed in contentment. Alec could do nothing but watch in amazement at how erotic the simple act of her eating a strawberry was. The way her lips wrapped around the fruit, the way the were wet from the strawberries juice, the way her lips were as lush and full as the fruit itself—he was mesmerized.  
  
"So, are we going to have real food or do you expect me to live on fruit alone? I'm starving," Asha said. Alec laughed, a woman who liked to eat and wasn't afraid to say so—he loved it. "Absolutely, but I can't cook so I hope pizza is ok with you," he answered. The brilliant smile that appeared on her face told him she was fine with it. "So Miss Barlow, what movie did you bring?" he asked. "All three Matrix movies, have you ever seen them?" she asked. "Are you kidding me? I love The Matrix! Those are the first movies I ever saw after getting out of Manticore. Wow, I'm impressed," he replied.  
  
Asha smiled and hopped down from the counter. She grabbed a couple of plates and the pizza box and headed towards the living room, and Alec followed with the fruit plate and some beers. Alec caught a glimpse of the tattoo on her back and she headed out the door. "What's the tattoo of? I didn't know you had one," he said. She giggled and replied, "There's a lot you don't know about me. The tattoo is a phoenix, it's symbolic of me surviving a lot of devastation in my life." Something in her voice told him that she didn't really want to elaborate on that subject, so he dropped it. _____________________________________________________________  
  
Asha slowly opened her eyes. Blinking and trying desperately to focus, she tried to remember why she was in such unfamiliar surroundings—with an arm wrapped tightly around her waist. Then she remembered. Alec stirred slightly as she tried to slip out of his grasp. "Where are you going?" he said, tightening his grip on her. "Umm—I, I have to get going," she replied. "Wait, please. What's the rush? We're having fun aren't we?" he pleaded, "Listen Asha, the more I'm around you—the more I like you. I—I was just hoping that maybe you'd like to do this more often. You know, get to know each other better." Asha was speechless. She had no idea how to respond. Alec decided not to give her chance to reject him and instead did what he'd been longing to do all night. He kissed her. He kissed her like he'd never kissed any other woman in his life—it was full of passion, and emotion—and for a second, she responded with the same intensity. But much to Alec's dismay, it ended as abruptly as it began. "I have to go," Asha said as she pulled away from him and ran out the door, leaving Alec confused and disappointed.  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
Their relationship continued that way for months. They hung out often, but nothing more ever happened. Every time Alec thought he was getting through to her, she'd run. He liked her a lot, hell he even thought he was beginning to love her...but what could he do if she didn't feel the same way about him? Alec had never been so confused and frustrated in his life. He wanted her more than anything, but Asha was running hot and cold. Something was going on with her and he had no idea what it could be. She made it painfully clear she wasn't willing to talk, so he decided to go to the only place he could possibly get some answers. She would probably hate him for it later, but desperate times called for desperate measures.  
  
TBC... 


	3. Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Alec entered the apartment slowly, not really knowing exactly what to say. It was a subject he'd never had to discuss before...and it was especially hard knowing he had to talk about it with a guy he wasn't that fond of. Usually women just threw themselves at him, but this...her...she was different. No matter how hard he tried it seemed like he just couldn't have her...and she was the only one he wanted. He didn't even look at other women anymore, because none of them could ever compare to her. He sighed in frustration as he approached the living room. Just as expected, Logan was hard at work at his computer. Alec tapped on the doorframe lightly, getting his attention. "Hey, Max isn't here. She's out with Original Cindy somewhere," Logan said as he turned to see who the intruder was. "Actually, I'm not looking for Max. I was hoping I could talk to you...do you have a few minutes?" Alec replied. "Sure, have a seat. So what's going on?" Logan replied, curious about what Alec could possibly need to talk to him about. It's not as if they were friends...they could hardly stand each other most of the time.  
  
"It's about Asha. You've known her for a long time right?" Alec asked. "Yeah, I've known her since she was a baby," Logan replied. "Well, I guess it's obvious by now that I like her. I more than like her...the way I feel about her is something I've never felt before. I want her like I've never wanted anything before. Not to brag or anything, but I've never had a problem getting women. But Asha...I don't know what's going on. The minute it seems like we might be getting somewhere, she bolts. I was hoping you could help me out here. Is it me? Is it her? What can I do to make her see that we could really have something special? What's going on with her?" Alec said. "Look Alec, I'm not going to help you get in her pants. If..." Logan started. "This isn't about sex. She means more to me than that. Look, I've never believed in all that talk about "the one" and "soul mates" until now. Asha is amazing woman...she's beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and she loves food. She's perfect. I-I could love her Logan, but not if she won't let me," he said softly.  
  
Logan contemplated Alec's words for a moment. He'd never seen Alec be so honest. His feelings for Asha were very real. Alec truly wanted to make her happy, and Asha could certainly use a little of that. Logan sighed. He knew she wasn't ready, and it saddened him to think about the very real possibility that she never would be. "Alec, I know this frustrating for you, and I can see that you really care about her. I wish there was some magic word I could tell you that would make everything turn around, but there isn't. I do know why she's doing this, but Asha's like a little sister to me...and if I told you I'd be betraying her trust. I can't do that to her, she'd never forgive me. All I can say is try to be patient with her. Don't push, she's been through enough and it will only drive her away. If she cares about you as much as I think she does, she'll tell you in her own time," Logan said. Alec just sat there with sadness in his eyes. He was hoping there would be some magic solution, but there wasn't. "Thanks man. I've got to get going," Alec said as he got up and made his way toward the door. "Don't give up on her yet!" Logan yelled just before he heard the door close.  
  
_______________________________________  
  
He watched her as she stood there staring out the window. She stared out into the blackness of the night...down at the lights of the city. She had her guard down, and it was a side of her that only he got to see. She had been this way ever since that night, and it hurt him to see it. He hadn't been there to protect her—to protect either of them. It nearly broke his heart to see her wipe the tears from her eyes. He approached her with a mug of hot tea in hand. She jumped slightly as she felt the unexpected hand on her shoulder. "Hey, you looked like you might need this," he said, handing her the mug. "Thanks Logan," she said quietly. "He came here today—to talk to me about you," Logan said. Asha took a small sip of the hot liquid and sighed. "I'm not surprised," she replied. "Don't be upset with him, he meant well," Logan said, placing a hand on the small of her back and leading her over to the sofa. "I know. I'm not upset. It's just—hard, you know?" Asha said. "I've never seen him so honest before. Asha, he said he could lo..." Logan started. "Please don't. Don't say it...I just can't handle it, not yet," she said with a shaky voice, cutting him off. He sighed; it was stupid of him to try. He should have known her heart couldn't take it. In all these years, nothing had changed. Those old wounds were still as raw as the day they were made.  
  
They sat there in silence for a while. Asha sipped her tea as Logan rubbed her back, hoping that it would comfort her in some way. "I'm sorry, Asha. I'm sorry I wasn't there," he said quietly. "You don't have anything to apologize for. It wasn't your fault, Logan," she replied. He hesitated for a moment before saying, "When are you going to realize it wasn't your fault either? I just want to see you happy again." "That my friend, is something I don't think will ever happen again," she relied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "I guess we better get back to work." She yawned loudly as she made a move to stand. "Don't worry about it tonight, it'll be here in the morning. You look like you could use some sleep...the guest room's all yours," Logan said. He could tell she was physically and emotionally drained. He turned to make he way to the bedroom, but instead turned around and pulled Asha into a strong hug. She was a bit startled at first, but settled into his embrace and held on to him tightly. "You looked like you needed that too," he said. He planted a kiss on top of her head before finally letting her go. "I did," Asha said. She kissed his cheek and gave his hand a squeeze before finally retiring to the guest room. Logan stood there staring after her until he heard the click of the door closing. He really believed that Alec could be the one to save her; he just hoped something would convince her to take the chance.  
  
TBC... 


	4. Running Away

He approached her door slowly...he really had no idea what he was doing there. He just wanted to see her. He started to knock, but something told him to try the doorknob instead. It was unlocked. He entered quietly and made his way toward the living room. He peeked around the doorway and there she was. She was sitting on the sofa with her long legs folded beneath her. Her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail, and her glasses were sitting slightly low on her nose. Glasses...he didn't know she wore glasses. She was intently focused on a book...so much so that he didn't think she had noticed him. "Alec, are you going to stand there staring at me all day, or are you going to say hello?" Asha said with a smirk, never looking up from the page. "How did you know it was me?" Alec said. "I can always feel when you're close by," Asha replied softly, still staring at the pages of her book. Alec smiled; 'maybe that's a start' he thought to himself. "So, what are you reading?" he asked as he took a seat beside her. "The Hobbit," she replied, finally looking up.  
  
The pages were well worn and he could tell she'd read it dozens of times before. "I've never read it before, but isn't that a kids book?" he said. She giggled. "What can I say, I have a thing for happy endings. Since they don't seem to happen much in real life, I at least like to read about them. It's not just a kids book though," she replied, "What's your favorite book?" "Outside of war doctrines, there wasn't much time for reading in Manticore," he said. Asha folded back the corner of the page and closed the book. She carefully unfolded her legs and stretched, wincing at the soreness in her muscles from sitting in the same position for so long. "Come with me," she said, standing and taking Alec's hand. "Where are we going?" he asked as she pulled him along. She led him to the door across from her bedroom and down a short flight of stairs. There was a single light bulb hanging from the center of the ceiling. Asha tugged on the string to turn it on. In the dim light Alec suddenly found himself surrounded by hundreds of books.  
  
"Wow," he said. It was all that he could manage. "Welcome to my pride and joy," Asha replied with a smile. Alec walked around the small space, slowly taking everything in. He could tell that much of her collection was antique...worth a lot of money on the black market. "You know you could be a very wealthy woman if you wanted to be," he said, as he fingered the pages of a first edition copy of 1984. "These mean more to me than money. Do you know I've read every book in this room at least once?" she said, "I just love the smell of old books...reminds me of the library I practically lived in when I was a kid." All he could do was stare at her in awe. She was such an amazing woman...beautiful, intelligent, sweet, an avid reader...she had it all. He looked at her as she rambled on about her love of books. She was wearing a well-worn pair of low slung jeans that were slightly baggy on her, a ratty old pre-pulse band t-shirt that hugged her in all the right places, and she was barefoot. With the glasses and the sloppy ponytail that left tendrils framing her long neck...she was incredibly sexy to him. "Alec, you're staring," she said, playfully punching him. "Blame yourself, it's your fault you're gorgeous," he said, smiling at the slight blush that crept up her cheeks.  
  
He couldn't take it anymore. This was it...he had to let her know how he felt. "Hey, it's a nice day...feel like taking a walk with me?" he asked. "Sure, just let me go throw on some shoes and a jacket," she said, then quickly bounced up the stairs and off to her bedroom. He took a deep breath before ascending the stairs. Maybe by the time they finished their walk he would have worked up the courage to talk to her. She returned in less than five minutes. He took her hand and they headed out the door. They talked and talked about books, their favorite music, their favorite colors...finally they ended up at Alec's apartment. "Wow, it's dark. I think it's going to storm soon," Asha said as she took off her jacket and made herself comfortable on the sofa.  
  
"Asha, I need to talk to you about something," he said, as he sat down beside her. She shifted uncomfortably as shivered involuntarily as a feeling of doom passed over her. He could see the nervousness cloud her normally vibrant blue eyes. "Umm, about what?" she asked. "I'm sure you know by now that I went to talk to Logan about you, and I apologize for violating your personal space like that...but I didn't know what else to do," he began, "I like you a lot...I think you know that. I feel like we could have something here, but every time it seems like we're getting somewhere you back away. I hope that you'll tell me what's going on, but regardless of that I need to tell you how I feel. Asha, I think I..." "Alec, don't. If you're about to say what I think you're about to say...please don't," she said as she jumped up from the sofa and began pacing the room.  
  
"Why not? I'm just trying to tell you how I feel. I lo..." he began, only to be interrupted by her again. "Alec, don't! Please," she pleaded with him. "Asha, what the hell is going on with you? What is it about me that you don't like?" he asked. "It's not that I don't like you, Alec. I like you a lot. It's just...I-I can't talk about this," she said. "Damn it, Asha! What the hell are you so afraid of then? If we both like each other, what's the problem with me lov..." he said. "Damn it, Alec. Don't say it! Please!" she pleaded, tears flooding her eyes. "No! I can't hold back anymore and pretend like it's not there!" he said, firmly grabbing her shoulders, "I love you, Asha!" He could feel her crumble in his hands, her body wracked by sobs. "Why did you have to say that? I begged you not to do that," she cried, breaking away from him. The thunder boomed loudly and the lightning flashed...highlighting the tortured look on Asha's face. Alec didn't even know what he did to upset her so much, but he immediately felt terrible for doing it.  
  
She grabbed her jacket and headed toward the door. "Asha wait, where are you going? It's pouring out there," Alec said, grabbing hold of her hand. "Alec, please let me go. I can't be here," she said. "I don't know what I did to upset you so much...I'm sorry for whatever it is, but I can't change the way I feel about you," he said. She sighed heavily, "Don't you get it, Alec? I can't love you! I'll only get you hurt. I-I just can't," she said, breaking away from him and running out the door. All he could do was stand there letting the cold wind and rain smack him in the face as she disappeared into the darkness. He stood there for several minutes before he finally snapped out of it and closed the door. He plopped down on the sofa and tried to make sense of what had just happened. It had all gone so horribly wrong. 'I can't love you! I'll only get you hurt'...her words echoed in his head. 'What did she mean by that?' he thought. Then he remembered what Logan told him. He couldn't give up on her...not yet. If he did, he could be losing the best thing that ever happened to him...and he wasn't willing to let that happen. He had to find her.  
  
TBC... 


	5. Trust

_Paper pen and a piece of your heart  
I can read it but where do I start?  
What to do  
What do I do?  
And I am going but I'm gonna come back  
And maybe then maybe this maybe that  
Hold me tight  
Not too tight  
It's not a hurry that were in  
There's no problem  
That's the thing  
But I can't make me love you  
And you can't make me either  
Patience Boy I need it  
I can't make me love you  
----------------------------------Butterfly Boucher  
_  
The freezing cold rain and wind assaulted her body, but she didn't care. She was soaked to the bone and shivering violently, but all she could feel was the ache in her chest. She could do nothing more than walk aimlessly, not really caring where she ended up. She didn't even care that her favorite leather jacket would probably be ruined. 'I love you, Asha!', she closed her eyes and swallowed hard as his words echoed in her head. Why did he have to go and fall in love? She liked him, she liked him a lot but she didn't love him...it's not that she didn't want to, she just couldn't. To her, loving someone else was equivalent to forgetting. She couldn't ever forget...she wouldn't. So she walked until she was too cold to walk anymore. She hadn't even noticed, but somehow she ended up in the place she felt the most safe. The only place she could clear her mind.  
  
"Hello?" Logan answered groggily. "Logan, please tell me Asha is there. I've looked all over for her. She's not at her apartment, she wasn't at Crash, some of her S1W friends were there and they said they haven't seen her," Alec said, panic evident in his voice. "Sorry, she's not here. What happened?" Logan replied. "I couldn't hold it in anymore. I told her I love her and she freaked. She started crying and then she ran out into the storm. I'm worried about her, it's freezing. Do you have any idea where she might be? I have to know she's ok," Alec said. "If I know Asha, there's only one place she can be. You said you checked her apartment, but did you check the room she keeps all her books in? She goes there whenever something's bothering her. It's like a little kid and their fort, it's the only place she truly feels safe," Logan replied. "Damn, I forgot about that. Thanks Logan," Alec said. "No problem, just take care of her," Logan replied.  
  
He raced to her apartment as fast as he possibly could. He had no idea what he would say to her...he didn't care; he just wanted to know she was ok. If it wasn't for the sound of her teeth chattering he wouldn't have known she was there. He flicked on the light, totally unprepared for what he found. She was sitting in the corner hugging her knees to her chest and shivering uncontrollably. She was so soaked that water was still dripping from her clothes. She looked so different...so broken. He was worried. She hadn't acknowledged his presence, her lips looked slightly blue, and she was deathly pale. "Asha?" he called softly. She looked at him and he let out a sigh of relief...happy to see that she wasn't catatonic, just very upset. He just stood there staring for a moment, not knowing what to do. She made a slight whimpering noise and he finally snapped out of it.

"Oh wow, Asha, you have to get up sweetie. I have to get you warm," he said, holding out his hand to her. She hesitated, but finally offered an unsteady hand. He pulled her to her feet and helped her up the small staircase. He led her into her bedroom and sat her down on the edge...wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. He went into the bathroom and began to run a bath as hot as he thought she could stand it. "We need to get you out of these clothes," he said, removing the blanket from her shoulders and easing her out of her jacket, "can you handle that on your own?" He knew she was too cold to do it, but he thought he'd ask anyway. He could see the fear and hesitation in her eyes. She opened her mouth to try to say something, but he stopped her. "Shh," he said, placing a finger over her lips. He gently lifted her chin so she was looking him straight in the eye. "Do you trust me?" he said.  
  
She searched his eyes and knew that she really did. She could trust him with her life, so surely she could trust him with her body. Finally she nodded "yes" as best she could. He smiled, and then helped her out of her clothes...averting his eyes as often as possible to reassure her that he had no intention of taking advantage of the situation. When they were done, he quickly wrapped the blanket back around her body and led her to the bathroom. He turned off the water and helped her ease into the steaming hot pool. She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her head on her knees, while he splashed water over her back with a loofah. Soon her shivering began to subside, and the color began to return to her skin. Her lips were no longer blue...they had regained their usual rosy pink hue, and he could've sworn she had flashed the tiniest hint of a grin.  
  
She yawned and he realized how exhausted she must have been. He helped her out of the tub and wrapped her in a towel. It was totally inappropriate at the time, but he couldn't help but let his eyes linger just a little longer than he should have. As gorgeous as she was in clothes, she was absolutely breathtaking out of them. He touched her arm as he led her back to the bedroom and once again sat her on the edge of her bed...the violent shivers had subsided to chills, but she was still very cold. He rifled through her drawers and finally came across a pair of flannel pajama pants and a tee. He helped her get dressed and pulled back the covers. He stripped down to his boxers and took her hand. The hesitation and fear returned to her eyes. She once again opened her mouth to say something, but he stopped her. "Shh...you said you trust me right?" he questioned. She nodded "yes". "Well then you know I would never try to take advantage of you. You nearly froze to death and body heat is the best way to prevent hypothermia. I won't be able to live with myself unless I know you're ok, Asha," he said.  
  
She never doubted him in the first place, but it was all just so strange. She sighed and crawled into bed. He followed and curled up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. It felt so good to feel strong arms wrapped around her again...to feel safe, to feel the warmth of a man's body. It had been so long...but she couldn't let herself get used to it. It just wasn't meant to be. She couldn't go through that again. She thought she felt him kiss her hair, but it was so soft she couldn't be sure. Her eyelids were heavy and she couldn't fight to keep them open much longer...it had been a physically and emotionally draining day. She drifted off to sleep knowing that when they woke up in the morning, things would be changed forever.  
  
TBC...

* * *

Author's note: Sorry I've kept you waiting so long for an update, but I had a serious case of writer's block. I also have to apologize for not revealing Asha's big secret in this chapter. I know I promised to, but it just didn't fit in with the flow of the story. It will definitely lead off the final (I hope) chapter though.


	6. The Morning After

He had been sitting up in bed for hours just watching her sleep. Partially from worry, and partially because he wished it was something he could have for the rest of his life. He would love nothing more than to be able to wake up to her every morning for the rest of their lives. The color had returned to her cheeks, her lips had regained their inviting rosy hue, and the sun was coming through the window at such an angle...she was looking every bit the goddess he thought her to be. She was perfect as far as he was concerned...beautiful, intelligent, compassionate...but broken, so very broken. She had been sleeping so long it worried him. He was all prepared to rush her to the hospital when finally she stirred and opened her eyes slowly. He smiled as she stretched like a cat and focused on him.  
  
"Well good afternoon. I was starting to worry. How are you feeling?" he said, placing a hand on her forehead to make sure she didn't have a fever. "I feel ok...achy, but I'm fine," she answered. They settled into an awkward silence. "Well, since you're feeling better I'll get out of your way and let you get some more rest," he said, getting up to get dressed. "Alec wait, don't go yet," she blurted out, motioning for him to reclaim his place in bed. He said nothing, but honored her request. "Thank you for last night," she began, "I ran out on you; I pushed you away, but you put your feelings aside and took care of me anyway. The least I can do is explain why I am the way I am." He could hear the emotion in her voice and he knew it was a painful subject for her. "Asha, you don't have to..." he began. "No Alec, I owe you an explanation," she replied. Her eyes were pleading with him to just shut up and listen, so he did just that as she began her story... 


	7. Asha's Story

_I had a brother; his name was Aidan. He was four years older and I idolized him...so much so that I would follow him anywhere. You already know that Logan and I grew up together. He was Aidan's best friend; they graduated and went off to Yale together. When you're a Barlow, you don't really have a choice. You've heard of the Cale fortune...well, it's pocket change compared to the Barlow fortune. There's a building at Yale named after our great-grandfather, so of course it was off to Yale for me too.  
  
Aidan didn't really reject our privileged lifestyle, but he always felt the need to help others who didn't have as much. So after they graduated, while Logan was off creating Eyes Only, Aidan was starting the S1W...and obviously I got involved. In the midst of all this I managed to fall in love with the most unlikely guy. His name was Kieran...Kieran Copeland. He was my brother's roommate for all four years at Yale. Logan, Aidan, and Kieran...those guys were like the three Musketeers. Kieran and I hated each other right from the start. To him, I was just his best friend's bratty little sister. To me, he was just my brother's obnoxious friend.  
  
By the end of my freshman year at Yale, everything had changed. We both grew up and finally recognized that all we could ever want was right there in front of us. We fell madly in love. If it had been any other guy scamming on his little sister, Aidan would have kicked his ass...but he couldn't have been happier for Kieran and I. Three years later I had graduated with a BA in World Literature, Kieran was finishing up with medical school, Logan moved away to Seattle, and Aidan had turned the S1W into something huge. Kieran had always known what my brother and I were into with the S1W, but he wasn't involved. He wanted to help people in his own way...he had decided that being a doctor was the way to do it.  
  
Shortly after graduation, so many things started happening all at once. It was overwhelming really. Within a span of a week Aidan proposed to me, we found out I was pregnant, and I was accepted into a graduate program at La Sorbonne. I had always wanted to study in France...growing up with my mom--I guess I couldn't help it. She was French, and as long as I could remember I had been fascinated with her accent. It was like all my dreams were coming true, I was so happy. Everything was so right...even the things that were supposed to go wrong, didn't. I was expecting a war when I told my parents I was pregnant...but it was fine. Kieran so wasn't the guy a Barlow girl was supposed to spend the rest of her life with. He grew up in a single parent household, his mom was a nurse...they didn't have a lot of money. He worked his way through Yale. But my father respected that; he had gotten to know Kieran through the years because my brother would invite him home for summers and holidays. My dad thought he was a great guy, and my mom was happy as long as I was. I was 22 years old and I had it all.  
  
It was all too perfect; I should have known it wouldn't last. A few months later, the S1W took down a major New York drug ring...so Kieran, Aidan, and I though we'd go out and celebrate all the good news. We were such stupid kids, Aidan and I...idealistic, stubborn, and invincible in our own minds. It was the best and worst night of my life all rolled into one. I don't know what made us think a couple of sheltered rich kids from California could possibly know anything about real life. But anyway, I was with two of the three men I loved most in the world...it was great. We exited the restaurant laughing our asses off, without a care in the world, all prepared to party the night away...well, as much as a woman who was 6 months pregnant could anyway.  
  
We were standing there waiting for the valet to bring our car around when Aidan just froze. I wasn't even looking at him, but I could just feel it...we had always had this freakish ability to sense each other's feelings, we were that close. I turned around and he was ghostly pale, I could tell something had him scared shitless. I suddenly felt like I had to throw up, and it wasn't morning sickness...it was something much worse. I knew something horrible was about to happen. I caught Aidan staring at something across the street. It was a Friday night in New York City, it was crowded, but I could clearly pick out a guy who looked like he fell out of a Godfather movie.  
  
He made some gesture to Aidan and then stared right at me. Aidan immediately pulled me into a hug and turned me around so that his body was shielding me...I wanted to cry. I knew exactly what was happening by that time. The S1W had pissed off some very dangerous people, they knew Aidan was in charge, and they knew that I was the way to get to him...destroy him by destroying what he loved the most. He hugged me so tight I was almost scared he'd hurt the baby. Then he told me that he loved me, and he was so proud of me. That's when I knew I'd never see him again. I started crying and he walked me to the car. Kieran was already in the driver's seat. Aidan put me in the passengers seat and then knelt down beside me. He told Kieran to get me out of there as fast and as far as possible. Kieran didn't understand what was happening but Aidan said he didn't have time to explain...he just told him to take care of his girls, meaning the baby and me. He tried to pull away but I wouldn't let go off his hand.  
  
I was crying hysterically and pleading with him to get in the car. He started crying too...he never could stand to see me upset. He was pleading with me to let him go, telling me it was the only way...I knew I had to. He was doing the only thing he could to keep me safe...sacrificing himself. Finally I let him go. He kissed my hand, then my stomach, then my forehead...he told me he loved me one last time, said goodbye to Kieran, and then ran off into the night and disappeared into the crowd. By then Kieran had figured it out and did exactly what Aidan had told him...he drove away, as fast and as far as possible. It just wasn't fast or far enough.  
  
We got as far as New Jersey before they caught up with us. We were being followed. It was early in the morning and there were very few cars on the interstate. They forced us off on an exit in the middle of nowhere. Kieran made me put my seatbelt on. We were so freaked out by what happed at the restaurant, we had forgotten to. He didn't have time to put his on...we were on a back road in the middle of nowhere running for our lives. He kept telling me he loved me and that everything would be ok, but I knew better. We had a fast car and Kieran was an excellent driver, but we couldn't shake them. Maybe if he had known the road we would have gotten away. It was so dark...a sudden sharp turn came up and there was no time to react...no time to brake. He lost control of the car, we flipped a couple of times and the last thing I saw was a tree coming at us really fast. After that there was nothing but blackness.  
  
The next thing I knew, I was waking up and had no idea where I was. I was in a hospital. The first thing I saw was my dad's face. He was sitting in a chair beside my bed just watching me. He smiled when I opened my eyes...but all I could see was sadness in his. I wanted to say something but I couldn't...I had tubes down my throat. He said mom would be pissed because he had just convinced her to go back to the hotel to rest. I guess he could see the questions in my eyes because he told me I had been in a coma for a month. Then I started to remember what happened...Aidan, Kieran...our baby. He kissed my hand and tried to comfort me as best he could, it was the only part of me that wasn't bandaged. He called the doctor and he removed the tubes from my throat and checked my vitals. He said something, but I was still too groggy to understand. The doctor left and I tried to speak again, but my throat was too dry.  
  
My dad gave me some water and the first thing I croaked out was "Aidan". Tears flooded his eyes and he said, "I'm sorry baby, he's gone." I knew what he was going to say, but I had held on to a tiny morsel of hope anyway. Then I asked about Kieran...he was gone too. They had pulled me from the car barely clinging on to life, but he was already dead before the paramedics ever got there. Then I asked about my baby. My dad was so choked up he almost couldn't get the words out...I had lost the baby too. The only piece of the man I loved more than breathing...the greatest possible symbol of our love, was gone too. I wanted to die. I lost it, I screamed and cried so much they had to sedate me.  
  
My dad loved me with all his heart, just like he loved my brother. His only son was gone, he was happy I was alive, but he was devastated. He didn't blame me; I know that...I understand why he did what he did. He just couldn't bear to look at me anymore, really I understand...Aidan and I could have passed for twins...it was just too much for the old man. The next day at the hospital he came alone. He sat and talked to me for a while, and stroked my hair the way he would when I would get sick as a kid and he'd read me bedtime stories to make me feel better. When I started to get sleepy, he placed a lingering kiss on my cheek and told me how much he loved me. He left after I fell asleep, and he never spoke another word to me.  
  
That would have killed me, if not for my mother. I understand now why he had to do it, but it still hurt like hell. But the French lady was always there for me. God I miss that woman. I was badly hurt from the accident...fractured skull, broken hip, two broken legs, a couple of fractured vertebrae, countless cuts, and they had removed my spleen. There was a possibility that I would never walk again. I couldn't stand being in that damn hospital, so my parents took me home to San Francisco. My mom never left my side. She hired the best physical therapists money could buy, and she was with me ever step of the way.  
  
I felt like a kid again, having my mom babying me like she did. Whispering French stories in my ears as I slept to comfort me when I woke up screaming from the nightmares. My dad hadn't really abandoned me either. He used to come into my room at night when he thought I was asleep and just watch me...sometimes he'd kiss my cheek and whisper "I love you" in my ear. It took me about a year to recover...physically, that is. I always knew my mom was heartbroken by my brother's death, but I never expected her to do what she did. A few weeks after I recovered, she committed suicide. A full bottle of Xanax and half a bottle of vodka and she was gone.  
  
In a way, I guess she felt like my father did. She couldn't help but look at me and see his face, hear him in the things I said...it was just too much for her. She knew how devastated I was...I'd lost my brother, the man I love, and my child all in one night...she couldn't stand to see me in so much pain. But she didn't think about how much it would hurt me to lose her too. I had absolutely nothing after that. When my mother died, my father just distanced himself from me more...it didn't help that I not only looked like my brother's twin, I was absolutely the spitting image of my mother. At that point I really wanted to just lie down and die, but I couldn't do that to my dad. He had cut himself off from me, but no matter what I knew he still loved me. I had nothing left...except Aidan's legacy. I moved out of the house, and resurrected the S1W in San Francisco.  
  
My dad died right before Logan called me here to Seattle. I had no reason to stay in San Francisco anymore. They told me he died of a heart attack...I say he died of a broken heart. In his will he left everything to me...including a letter telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for hurting me. I inherited millions. I guess you're wondering why I choose to live like this then. It's because I don't deserve it; I can't bring myself to touch it. Because of me, everyone I've ever loved is gone. If Kieran had never fallen in love with me he would still be alive. If I wasn't around, if I was never born...they wouldn't have had a way to get to Aidan, and he'd probably still be here too. If I were stronger, maybe I'd have a daughter right now. I destroy everything I touch.  
  
Alec, I need you to understand...I like you a lot, but I can't love you. I can't love you because I can't betray Kieran's memory that way...no one could ever take his place. I can't love you because if I did, I'd lose you too...I'd only get you hurt or killed._


	8. After the Storm

By the time she finished her story, she was letting out such heart wrenching sobs. Years of pain, years of suffering, years of holding everything in--it was just pouring out of her. She had lost all control; the wall she had built up came tumbling down. It rocked him to the core, every sob impacting his heart like a jackhammer to concrete...he could barely stop himself from crying with her. Alec made a move to comfort her, but she backed away...not wanting to be touched. He sighed and made a move to get out of the bed when she suddenly threw her arms around his neck, nearly bowling him over in the process. She held on to him so tightly it almost hurt. It was as if she thought he'd disappear the minute she let him go...but he wasn't going anywhere. He didn't know what to say to her...he couldn't say anything. All he could do was rub her back and give her a shoulder to cry on. Nothing could really comfort her...nothing could dull that kind of pain. He didn't say a word until her sobs calmed down to soft whimpers.  
  
"Asha," he began softly, "I know it doesn't make any difference, but I'm sorry. No woman--no person should ever have to experience what you have. You've experienced more pain in one night than most people will in a lifetime. I couldn't even begin to understand how you feel, and I don't mean to diminish what you've gone through—what you're still going through...but I know what it's like to lose your first love. But that doesn't mean you should never love again." She started to say something but he stopped her. "What happened wasn't your fault," he continued, lifting her chin to look her in the eye, "There was no way you could have known what was going to happen and there was nothing you could have done to stop it. Do you really think they would blame you? Your brother loved you, your fiancée loved you...they gave their lives for you. They wanted you to live, Asha. You're alive in the scientific sense, but you're dead inside. Do you really think they'd be happy with that?" He didn't wait for an answer before continuing, "You can't see the sun for the clouds you've cocooned yourself in. Look at the world we live in...you've got to believe they're in a better place. Aidan, your mother, your father, Kieran, your baby...if they could see you now it would break their hearts."  
  
Finally he allowed her to speak. He wished he had shut up when he saw the sadness in her eyes. "It just hurts so much," she said softly, "I always thought it was just a figure of speech...I never thought emotional pain could really have a physical manifestation, but it does. I feel nothing but a constant ache in my chest all day every day...sometimes it gets to be too much; sometimes it hurts so much I literally can't breathe. If it wasn't my fault, why does it feel so bad?" Her eyes pleaded with him to give her the answer...she looked at him as if he knew everything. "It's always going to hurt if you keep blaming yourself. If you don't let go, let yourself live...it's going to consume you Asha, it's going to kill you," he said, "I don't want to see that happen." "Maybe that's what I want," she replied. "No you don't. If you really wanted to die you would have done it long ago...you would have never come out of that coma. What you want is to suffer because you think you need to pay for what happened. You wallow in pain because you think it was all your fault and it wasn't. When are you going to get that through your stubborn assed head?" he said, flashing her his trademark smirk.  
  
He was relieved when the corners of her mouth turned up slightly. Cupping her face in his hands gently, he got serious again. "You've got to let go. Please...let go. I don't want you to do it for me, don't do it for them either...do it for you," he said, looking her straight in the eye. "I don't know if I can. I don't know how," she said with a sigh, breaking eye contact. "I wish I could give you the answer but I can't. Only you can do that," he said, "You said you can't love me. I understand and I'll respect that. You can push me away all you want Asha, but I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me whether you like it or not. I can't be your lover, but I'm damn sure going to be your friend. This is your battle, but if you need anything I'll be there. As much as I want to I can't magically take your pain away, I can't experience it for you, I can't promise you the world, hell...I can't even promise you tomorrow. But there's one thing I can promise...I can promise you that I'll love you forever. You can't love me now, but hopefully one day you'll let yourself be happy...and if I'm lucky, I'll be the guy who gives you that happiness."  
  
With that he got out of bed and got dressed. He turned to leave, but came back over to the bed and kissed her. He said no words, but the kiss told her everything she needed to know...it was full of passion, hope, support, love. He left after that, leaving her stunned...with a head full of thoughts and a lot of personal demons to exorcise. She got up to take a shower. She stood there with her eyes closed tightly, letting the water pelt her face and wash over her body, easing her aching muscles. All the thoughts in her head were giving her a headache. She got out of the shower and dried off...the water was getting cold anyway. She popped two aspirin before dropping her towel and crawling back into bed. As she curled herself around a pillow she noticed that it smelled like Alec. She inhaled deeply, dedicating the intoxicating scent to memory. It had been such a long time since she'd had the scent of a man lingering on her bed sheets. A tear slid down her cheek as she thought about the many nights she'd spent inhaling Keiran's scent...on their sheets while lying in bed, or draped in one of his shirts—or while being held in his arms. "Oh Kieran, baby, if you can hear me—if you're watching me...please tell me what to do. I need a sign or something, ok?" she whispered into the air. She drifted off to sleep hoping things would get a little clearer.  
  
She awoke hours later only to find that her head was pounding even worse than before, and her thoughts weren't any clearer. She'd been down this road before. It was decision time and she didn't want to choose. She could choose to let go of the past and let Alec in, or she could continue to run like she had been doing for so many years. She had to do something; she knew she'd never figure it out by sulking in her apartment in Seattle. She grabbed the phone and quickly dialed a number. "Hey Steven? It's Asha, I need a favor," she began, speaking to one of her S1W contacts, "Do you think you could score me some sector passes and a train ticket to New York?" She knew he'd agree to it before she even asked. He had thing for her...he was a great guy and all, but totally not her type. 'He's definitely no Alec' she thought to herself as she packed. No Alec? She couldn't believe that thought had even crossed her mind. Yeah, it was definitely time for her to go.  
  
Steven said he could get her what she needed within three hours, so she took that time to pack. She could have easily gone to Logan for this, but she didn't want him to know where she was going. He would either want to come with her, or he'd tell Alec where she was, and she didn't need any distractions. She didn't want any moral support; she didn't want friendship...she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts. She finished packing and scribbled a quick note telling Logan and Alec not to worry about her and that she'd be fine. By the time she was done, Steven was knocking at the door. She quickly grabber her bags and a couple of books and she was on her way.  
  
TBC... 


	9. Facing the Past

"Alec, she's fine, will you relax please?" Max said as she approached his table. He had been sitting in Crash for hours, drinking himself silly thinking about Asha. He still had her note in his hands as if reading it over and over would make her magically appear. "She could have said goodbye," he slurred. Max sighed. "She's not gone forever Alec, how many times does Logan need to explain that to you? She left most of her clothes, and her books. Logan said she doesn't go anywhere without her books. From what you guys told me, she has a lot to work out. Give the woman some time to get her head together," she said. "It's been a week. How much time does she need?" he asked. "Alec, she lost her entire family...that's not something you can let go of in an instant," she started, "I know you love her, and the fact that you can't help her with this is killing you...but you have to just let her do her thing. She'll come back when she can." He sighed and nodded his head in agreement. He paid his tab and followed Max out. Wherever she was, he hoped she was ok.

* * *

It was late, dark...she hadn't been there in years, but she still remembered the route to the apartment as if it were yesterday. The closer she got, the more she thought that this was a bad idea. Before she knew it she was standing at the door. She took a deep breath to calm herself, but her hands were still shaking as she knocked lightly. Just as she was about to lose all her nerve and run, she heard the click of the locks. There was no turning back now. "Hi Mrs. Copeland," she managed to choke out at the sight of the familiar face. "Asha Barlow, I can't believe you have the nerve to come here after all these years and call me Mrs. Copeland...you know it's Cheryl honey, come on in," the woman said with a huge smile on her face. After that, Asha felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from her shoulders. Seeing that smile again...she had no idea why she had been scared in the first place, this was a woman who at one time loved her like she was her own daughter.  
  
"It's so good to see you sweetie, I've certainly missed you," she said, hugging Asha tightly. "I've missed you too Cheryl," Asha said softly. "Well let me take a look at you," Cheryl said as tucked a strand of hair behind Asha's ear, "You're so tiny! The last time I saw you, you were...I'm sorry." She stopped short when she saw Asha drop her head. She realized she was about to bring up the baby. "It's ok," Asha said softly. It was a sore subject for both of them. "Come on sweetie, have a seat," Cheryl said, leading Asha to the living room, "Are you hungry? Thirsty? I just made lasagna." Cheryl laughed as she watched Asha's eyes light up at the thought of homemade lasagna. "I'll take that look as a yes," she said, getting up and heading to the kitchen. Asha followed and took a seat at the small kitchen table. Cheryl returned with two plates, one piled high with food...that she sat in front of Asha. "Oh wow, this smells so good. You have no idea how much I've missed this, but this is way too much for me to eat," Asha said. "This from the girl who ate an entire pizza the first day I met her," Cheryl replied. "Point taken," Asha said with a laugh. Cheryl cracked open a bottle of wine and they had a silent but enjoyable dinner.  
  
When they were done with dinner, Asha offered to do the dishes but Cheryl refused and they headed back to the living room. "We have a lot to talk about," Cheryl said, finally breaking the awkward silence that had settled over them. "I know," Asha said, sighing and staring down at her hands. "It's been a long time Asha. Five years. Why now?" Cheryl asked. "I-I don't know. It's just...this was a bad idea, I shouldn't have come," Asha said, clearly flustered. "You do know, and you should have. I'm happy to see you, but I need to know why. You know you can tell me anything," she replied. "I guess I thought seeing you again would help me let go. As far as what took me so long, you're Kieran's mother, it's my fault your son is dead...how could I face you after that? I respect you, I love you...to see blame in your eyes would have broken my heart even more, and I couldn't have taken it then," Asha said.  
  
"My only son is gone, my granddaughter is gone, you were all I had left and you disappeared on me. But I'm not as hurt about that as I am that you think I would blame you. It wasn't your fault. My son was a good man. You didn't get him killed; he chose to give his life to protect his child and the woman he loved. He could have left you with Aidan to fend for yourself, but that's not who he was and you know it. The only one who blames you is you, you've got to stop that," Cheryl said. "I'm sorry I disappeared on you, and I should have known you wouldn't blame me...but that isn't the only thing that kept me away. There's a lot you don't know..." Asha replied. She then began to tell Cheryl all about recovering from the accident, and about her parents. By the time she finished she was crying and Cheryl had gone over to her and pulled Asha into her arms.  
  
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone...I wish you had come to me instead of running. I know it's hard to deal with so much, but you can't just run away from your problems forever. You have to face them. You've been running for five years, you're still running...you're here because you're running from something," Cheryl said softly as she stroked Asha's hair and tried to calm her, "What is it sweetie? You can tell me." "It's nothing," Asha mumbled. Cheryl sighed. "Asha honey, look at me," she began as she gently lifted Asha's chin so she could look her in the eye, "I know you. You're like a daughter to me; I can tell when something's on your mind. The downside to those gorgeous blue eyes of yours is that you can't hide a thing. Your soul, every thought, every emotion, everything is in those eyes. So spill it."  
  
Asha sighed; she knew there was no getting out of it. "There's this guy back in Seattle...his name's Alec. He told me he loved me and I freaked out. I like him a lot but...I don't know, I'm just so confused," she said. "You think you don't deserve love. You think that you'd forget about Kieran or be betraying him in some way if you love someone else. Is that it?" Cheryl asked. Asha nodded her head yes. "Baby listen. All Kieran has ever wanted was for you to be happy. You're cutting yourself off, pushing everyone away...not allowing yourself to be loved because of him. He wouldn't want that for you...deep down you know that. If Alec can make you happy, be with him...at least give it a shot. You're too young to be a martyr Asha. What you and Kieran had was very real, and it was wonderful. But you're 27 years old, you've still got a whole lifetime ahead of you...don't waste it living in the past," Cheryl said.  
  
Asha didn't say anything. She just sat there with her head in her hands and contemplated her almost mother-in-law's words. There was still so much to sort out...she was starting to feel that familiar pounding in her head. She slowly massaged her temples and before she knew it there was a glass of water and two aspirin on the coffee table in front of her. "You look exhausted, where have you been staying?" Cheryl said. Somehow she knew Asha had been in New York for a while before she decided to grace her doorstep. "With some friends, not too far from here," she replied. "Well, you're staying here tonight...and for the rest of the time you're here. Go pick up your things and bring them back here in the morning," Cheryl said. "It's ok, I don't want to impose," Asha argued. "You're family, you can't impose. You're staying here and that's that...maybe I can get some meat on those bones before you leave," Cheryl insisted. Asha managed a weak smile. "It's late. Why don't you head to bed? Take Kieran's old room. Goodnight," Cheryl said as she turned to retire to her own room.  
  
Asha gulped down the pills and the water then headed off to the bedroom. She opened the door and the sight was almost too much for her. Kieran hadn't lived there full time in years, but there were many times they had visited or crashed there. Asha giggled as she remembered the times the three of them would come to the city and party the night away. Too tired to drive home, they would come here...Aidan would crash on the sofa, while she and Kieran stayed in his room. They would be too tired to drive home, but not too tired to try and make love quietly...albeit unsuccessfully. Just then Cheryl was on her way out of the bathroom and noticed Asha standing in the doorway with a smile on her face. "Yes, I could hear you...thin walls," she said, startling Asha a bit. "Um...sorry about that," Asha mumbled, her face becoming increasingly red. Cheryl just laughed and returned to her bedroom.  
  
Asha shut the door and stripped down to her panties and tank top. She pulled back the covers and crawled into bed. So many years had passed, but she could've sworn she still smelled Kieran on those sheets. Too many memories, too many emotions...being in that room, seeing Cheryl again...she was once again overwhelmed. She hadn't even noticed the tears begin to soak the pillow. It was familiar territory...she cried herself to sleep just like she had done on so many nights before. In the next room, Cheryl's heart wrenched as her ears picked up the sound of Asha's muffled sobs through the thin walls. She forced herself not to go to her, to hold her in her arms and tell her everything was going to be ok. That would be a lie. There was nothing she could do; she couldn't take the pain away. Asha had to deal with her own pain...it was the only way things would ever get better.  
  
TBC... 


	10. One Last Thing

The sound of light tapping on the door pulled Asha out of her daze. She had been lying there for over an hour, stuck in that gray area between awake and asleep. She smiled softly as Cheryl peeked her head in the door. "Hey, sorry to wake you. How's your head?" Cheryl asked as she stepped in. Asha sat up, giving Cheryl room to have a seat on the bed beside her. "I wasn't really asleep. My head feels much better," Asha replied, rolling her head to relieve the stiffness in her neck. "What's that?" she asked, catching sight of something Cheryl was holding. "Oh, this? It's yours," she replied, handing it to Asha. It was a large photo album. Asha rubbed her eyes like a sleepy child before flipping through it.  
  
She was a little stunned...she had forgotten those pictures even existed. The first was a picture of her with Kieran, Aidan, and Logan at their graduation party. She was standing beside Kieran and he had his arm around her waist. They weren't dating yet, but it was when things had first begun to change between them. As she flipped through the book, so many memories came flooding back. There were pictures of her parents, of Cheryl, of her when she was pregnant...way too many of her and Kieran kissing. She stopped on one in particular. It was one of her and Kieran a few weeks before the accident. They had just moved into their new apartment. It was taken the day that Aidan and her parents had come over to decorate the nursery. Her parents had already gone and only Kieran, Aidan, and she remained. Aidan was the one who had taken the picture of the two of them curled up on the sofa together, Aidan's lips pressed to her swollen belly. There were pictures Kieran had taken of her sleeping, and ones she had taken of him in his scrubs...and some she was more than a little embarrassed about his mother seeing. For a brief moment she wondered if Cheryl had watched any of those video tapes they...'don't even go there Asha' she thought to herself.  
  
The last one in the book was her sonogram picture. She hadn't even noticed she was crying until she felt Cheryl wiping the tears away. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have sprung this on you like that...it's too much," Cheryl said softly. "No, it's just...too many memories. I'm glad you showed it to me though. Where...how..." Asha said shakily, unable to find the words to finish her question. "After your parents took you back to San Francisco I had to clean out your apartment. I put the furniture in storage, but I couldn't keep up with the fees so the company sold it. I packed all the important things up...your pictures, jewelry, clothes, all the baby's things...I didn't know how you felt about that so I kept it," Cheryl said quietly, "Everything is in the closet, I'm going to leave you alone now. Breakfast is in the kitchen if you're hungry." Asha was fighting too many emotions to speak. Cheryl gave her hand a squeeze before she left the room.  
  
Asha sighed heavily. It was like the world was caving in on her all over again. Too many memories, too many emotions, too many issues to deal with. She felt like running again...taking off and going to some other city, somewhere where she could forget about everything and just start over. She knew better though. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. If she ran it would always follow her. She decided it was now or never, so she got out of bed, threw on some sweat pants, and pulled all the boxes out of the closet. Pulling her hair back into a ponytail, she sat down on the floor...and with trembling hands and an ache in her heart, she opened the first box. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Cheryl was starting to get worried. Asha hadn't left that room all day. It was close to nine o'clock at night and she hadn't even eaten anything. She wanted to give Asha space and time to deal with everything, but she was still a mother...and as such she had to satisfy her need to take care of the person she considered one of her own. She made a sandwich and took it in to Asha. "You're too tiny to not eat all day. I made you a sandwich," she said, settling herself on the floor beside Asha. Asha was working on going through the last box...the baby's things. She was holding a tiny green dress in her hands. It took Asha a minute to respond. Cheryl could tell she was angry and hurt. Her normally crystal blue eyes were clouded by pain and sadness. "Thanks Cheryl, but I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach right now," Asha said, sniffling and angrily wiping her swollen and red rimmed eyes with the back of her hand.  
  
Cheryl sighed and sat the plate down. "I know how you feel," she began, "It's ok to be angry. You should be. You lost your child...it's wrong, and it hurts, and it makes you feel helpless and weak because you couldn't do anything to change it. I know. I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't feel that way...but don't drown in it, don't let it consume you." Sitting there looking at all those things...the toys, the baby clothes with the tags still on them. She felt like she was going to throw up...and she wished that it would be that easy to purge all the things she was feeling. She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her head on them, facing Cheryl. "How am I supposed to let this go?" she asked softly, holding up a tiny hat, "How am I supposed to just forget about this...him...us...everything we had and just move on like nothing ever happened?"  
  
"You're not. You're never going to forget...you'd be something less than human if you could," Cheryl said, "but that doesn't mean you should spend the rest of your life longing for something you can never have. This Alec guy, he obviously makes you feel something pretty good or else you wouldn't be here. Think about that feeling and ask yourself if you're willing to just let that go and wallow in all this pain instead." Asha didn't say anything. There was no response she could come up with that would have made any sense. She just felt so wrong...like she was betraying Kieran by having more than just friendly feelings for Alec. She remembered how she had promised him she'd be his forever, how she'd so willingly given herself over to him so many times before. How could she ever feel that for another man? How could she ever let another man touch her like that?  
  
She whimpered and Cheryl placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You have a big heart babe. Kieran's always going to be in there, but I'm sure there's enough room for someone else too. You're over thinking things," she said as if she could read Asha's mind, "To love someone else...it wouldn't replace him, it wouldn't make you forget about him. It's not about him at all really. It's about you and your happiness. Not that you need a man to be happy...but how are you going to feel if you pass up the opportunity to share your life with someone you really care for?" With that Cheryl stood and headed towards the door, leaving Asha to sort out her feelings. "And Asha Veronique Barlow, that sandwich better be gone by the time I come back!" she yelled from the other side of the door.  
  
Asha stood and stretched. She winced as her muscles screamed out and her bones cracked painfully. Sitting on a hardwood floor for more than eight hours was definitely a bad idea. Sitting on the bed, she picked up the plate and took a bite of the sandwich. As emotionally draining as being there was, she was sure going to miss the food.

* * *

Two weeks later Cheryl came home and found Asha packing. "Trying to make a clean getaway?" she asked as she walked into the bedroom. Asha was slightly startled by the unexpected interruption, but smiled when she saw who it was. She wasn't expecting Cheryl for several more hours. "Yeah, I was hoping to avoid the awkward goodbye," Asha said, sitting down on the bed. "Well I'm glad I came home early then. There's one more thing I need to give you," Cheryl said. She left and shortly returned with something in her hand. Sitting beside Asha, she handed the item over to her. It was a small jewelry box. Asha opened it and gasped. "My engagement ring," she whispered shakily, "I thought I'd lost it. How did you get it?" Her eyes were clouded with confusion.  
  
"There was no way for you to know, but when the paramedics pulled you out of the car...Kieran was holding your hand. I guess he was still conscious for a few moments and he grabbed your hand. His way of saying goodbye to you I guess. That ring was always too big for you. So when they pulled you out it fell off. When I came to identify him and get his personal belongings it was in the bag," she said with a trembling voice. She pulled the ring out of the box; it was hanging on a thin gold chain. Asha lifted her hair and allowed Cheryl to put it around her neck. Tears flooded her eyes as she fingered the ring, but she smiled as she read the engraving: 'my immortal love'.  
  
She hadn't thought about those words in five years. Kieran always told her she thought so much she missed the smallest, most beautiful things in life. 'Take your brain out of overdrive for a second and just look...see what's right in front of you' he used to say as he held her in his arms on the balcony of their apartment. She realized she had been missing the smallest things for five years now. She had been beating herself up and wallowing in his death rather that celebrating what they had when he was alive. He was right; the love they share didn't disappear just because he died...it never would. Nothing could ever take that away from them...not death, and not a new man in her life. Alec could never replace Kieran in her heart. She knew she was doing the right thing.  
  
Asha finished packing and sighed as she realized she had to say goodbye to Cheryl. Cheryl helped her drag her bags to the front door. "Ok, let's get this over with before I lose it," Asha said. Cheryl laughed; she had been thinking the same thing. "Well, we both knew it was coming. You can't stay here hiding forever," she said. "Are you sure I can't stay here forever?" Asha asked. "You know I'd love to have you, but I can't be selfish and keep you all to myself. There are people who need you in Seattle, and one person I'm pretty sure loves you more than you know," Cheryl said with a smile. Asha dropped her bags and hugged Cheryl long and hard. Despite everything that had happened, Cheryl still treated her like a daughter and Asha appreciated that more than she could ever express in words. "Good luck sweetie, and don't let another five years go by before I hear from you again," Cheryl said, kissing Asha on the cheek. Asha smiled and picked up her bags. She turned to head out the door but stopped. "Hey, if things work out with Alec and we have kids one day, I'd like them to have a grandmother...and I can't think of a better choice than you. Are you up for the job?" Asha said. "Absolutely, and I'm going to hold you to it," Cheryl replied with tears in her eyes.  
  
As Asha walked outside she noticed how bright and sunny it was. It wouldn't have been anything special to someone else, but to her it was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. After feeling like she had been trapped in the dark for so long...it was amazing to feel the sun shining on her face and hear the birds chirping. It was like she was seeing things with new eyes...like she was a different person. She finally felt like she was ready to get on with her life. She had been a zombie for five years; she had been running on autopilot. For the first time in five years she actually felt like she had a future ahead of her...she finally felt free. But before she could head back to Seattle, there was just one last thing she needed to do.  
  
TBC... 


	11. In My Place

Author's Note: Sorry I've taken so long to get this chapter up, but I hope you enjoy it. There's going to be one more chapter...short and sweet, just to wrap things up.

* * *

In my place, in my place  
Were lines that I couldn't change  
I was lost, oh yeah

She didn't know why it seemed so strange to have never been there before, but it did. She had asked Cheryl for the directions, so with a dozen white roses in hand she was off to find the grave of her fiancée...the man she had lived and breathed for so long she didn't know where he ended and she began. It felt surreal. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart pounded as she got close enough to read his name. She had to fight the urge to turn around and run.  
  
_I was lost, I was lost  
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed  
I was lost, oh yeah_

There it was in big bold capital letters: KIERAN COPELAND. Her heart wrenched as she read it. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had expected him to just pop up one day and yell 'surprise' like it was all just a cruel joke or a bad dream. But seeing his name there, carved into a cold slab of marble...that made it real, he was really gone. Suddenly she felt week and her knees buckled. She didn't even realize she was on her knees until she felt the dampness of the grass seeping through her jeans. Gently placing the roses on the ground in front of it, she traced his name with a trembling hand.  
  
_Yeah, how long must you wait for him?  
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?  
Yeah, how long must you wait for him? _

She didn't even realize she was crying until she head the choked sob coming from her throat. They weren't tears of sadness...they were tears of anger. She was furious with him...furious with him for dying and leaving her here all alone. "Why Kieran? Why did you do this to me?" she said softly. She was so angry and she didn't understand. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to have the baby, and get married, and live their happily ever after together...but that was all gone now and it hurt. It hurt too much. _  
  
I was scared, I was scared  
Tired and under prepared  
But I wait for you_

Since Kieran and Aidan died, she had lost all direction. She didn't know where her life was supposed to goor what she was supposed to do...so she spent five years waiting for someone who could never return to her, grieving for the life she would never have. But things had changed now, and that's why she was here. In the span of a few months everything had changed. She finally felt like she was getting her life back together...like she had a life to look forward to. A life with Alec if he would have her. For the first time in years she felt good, and happy, and free of the things that had weighed her down for so long. The last step in moving on was letting go. She took a steadying breath before she began to speak.

"Kieran baby, I love you. I always will, but I know now that you wouldn't want me like this...not like been for the past five years. You always did whatever you could to make me smile...you would make a total idiot of yourself if it would make me happy," she began, "Alec's a great guy, I'm sure you know that already since you're always watching over me. He makes me laugh, and he lets me know when I'm being too serious, and I really think he's the one I could spend the rest of my life with. I'll never let you go, but I have to let go of all the anger and pain because I can't change it. So take care of my little girl, and smack my brother for me...and one day I'll see you all again."

"Goodbye, my love...my guardian angel," she said before pressing her lips to the cold slab of marble. And with that she walked away.

_If you go, if you go  
Leaving me here on my own  
Well I wait for you _

"He's doing it again," Max said to Logan as they sat at the bar waiting for their beers to arrive. "Doing what?" Logan asked. "Sulking. He's letting Sketchy beat his ass in pool. Sketchy of all people! I didn't think it was possible, but Alec is really in love with her," she said. "Yeah, I shudder to even think about it, but if he makes Asha happy I'm all for it. She deserves that more than anything," Logan said. "Somebody's ears must have been burning. Look who just walked in," Max said, motioning to the door. Logan turned and saw Asha walking towards them. "Hello stranger," Max said.

"Hey Max, hey Logan," Asha replied. "Wow, now that's something I haven't seen in a very long time," Logan said, smiling. "What?" Asha asked, confused. "That smile. That's a genuine Asha Barlow smile...the kind I haven't seen since the day you and Kieran announced your engagement. I've missed it," he said. "You and me both," she replied. "So...are you ok?" he asked with concern evident in his eyes. The question seemed simple, but it held so much. "Yeah, I can honestly say that I am," she replied. He pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek. "I hate to break up this Hallmark moment, but Asha, I think you have something more important to take care of right now", Max said as she grabbed Asha by the shoulders and turned her toward the pool tables, "There's someone waiting for you." Alec...he wasn't facing her and she was glad of that, because if he had been she probably would have bolted. Instead, she squared her shoulders, took a deep breath, and began to make her way across the room.

_Yeah, how long must you wait for him?  
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?  
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?  
_

He was just about to make a shot when he felt hands over his eyes...soft hands, graceful and delicate hands...the hands of a woman. "Guess who?" she whispered in his ears. He shuddered at the warmth of her breath across his check, and the feel of her chest pressed against his back. And that voice...there was no mistaking it. Asha. She was back, and his heart was racing a mile a minute. "I would guess Asha, but it can't be her. She didn't even bother to tell me she was leaving so why would she let me know she was back?" She sighed and jammed her hands into her pockets. He turned to face her. She was staring at the floor, kicking at some imaginary object on the floor. "Fair enough, I deserved that," she said softly. He could see her fighting back tears and wanted to kick himself. "Now that we're past the hard part. Are you alright?" he asked, gently lifting her chin with his forefinger. "I'm fine," she said. He searched her eyes and was surprised to see them so bright. The pain that had clouded them since the first day he met her seemed to be gone.

"It's been a while. A fine looking man like you in a city like this, women must have been throwing themselves at you...I understand if..." Asha began. "Don't even think about finishing that sentence. I haven't even looked at another woman since you left. The only one I want is you. I can't get you out of my head Asha Barlow," he replied, taking her hand. She smiled the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. There were no words to describe it. "I'm tired of waiting Alec," she said softly, breaking the silence, "I can't wait for him anymore, not when I have so much left to live for...not when all I want is you." Alec couldn't speak...he was too busy drowning...drowning in her words, her eyes, her smile. They slowly inched toward each other until they were standing so close together they could feel each other breathe. Alec dropped his pool cue...then he did what he had wanted to do for over a month now. He kissed her. Not the kiss he surprised her with the day she left, but a real, passionate kiss. Before they knew it she had jumped up and wrapped her legs around him, causing him to lose his balance and fall back onto the pool table.

They were so caught up in the moment they forgot they were in public. He was all set to tug her shirt over her head when everyone in Crash started clapping and cheering them on, bringing them back down to reality. Both bright red, they quickly stood and straightened their clothes. They looked over to the bar where Max and Logan were. Logan raised his beer and smiled, while Max was laughing hysterically with Original Cindy. "Umm, what do you say we go somewhere a little more private?" Asha asked Alec. "You read my mind," Alec said as he took Asha's hand and headed out with her in tow.

"You know, if Asha can overcome what she's been through to be with Alec, there's no reason we should let one little virus bring us down. We'll beat it one day," Logan said, as he grabbed Max's gloved hand. She just smiled and nodded...and hoped he was right. "You do realize if he hurts her I'll have to kill him right?" Logan said trying to lighten the mood, yet being totally serious. "An opportunity to kick Alec's ass? Did you really think I would object to that? I'd be the first person in line," she replied. They both laughed and went off to play some pool.

_Please, please, please  
Come on and sing to me  
To me, me _

The ride back to Asha's apartment only took a few minutes, but to them it seemed like an eternity. They couldn't wait to get their hands on each other. Asha was in his arms the moment they dismounted Alec's bike...arms around his neck, legs around his waist, and lips on every inch of his skin she could get to. He struggled with trying to get the door open and hold her at the same time but he finally got it done. Kicking it closed with his foot, he stumbled through the dark apartment as they made their way to the bedroom. He was so caught up in her he wasn't paying attention to where he was going. The back of his knees hit the footboard and they fell...landing with him on his back and her straddling him. He didn't mind that at all. The fall had startled them enough to break the moment and they both broke out into a fit of laughter.

He slid his hands up the back of her shirt and unhooked her bra. Alec made a move to pull her shirt off, but Asha stopped him. Suddenly, she became very serious and he was a little confused. "Alec, if we're going to do this it has to be right. My heart is fragile; I can't take any secrets or lies. You already know my past...is there anything you want to tell me?" she asked. He sighed and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Remember I told you I'd lost someone too? There was a girl, Rachel. Manticore sent me to pose as a piano teacher to get information on her father. I was assigned to kill him and I never counted on falling in love with her. There was a bomb planted in the car her father was supposed to be in, but she got in instead and was killed. It was hard, but I've gotten over it," Alec said, "Is there anything else I need to know about you?"

She leaned down and kissed him softly. "I want to have babies one day," she said. "Should they call me daddy or dad?" he replied. She smiled then kissed him again. "I'm cranky in the mornings, and I'm bitchy when I'm tired," she said. "As one of Max's furry little friends, I'm fully aware of that," he replied. "I'm never going to live that one down am I?" she said, clearly embarrassed. "Nope," he replied. This time he was the one who became serious. "I love you Asha," he said, staring into her eyes to let her know how much he meant those words. "I love you too Alec," she relied, looking at him with the same intensity. He made a move to remove her shirt again, and again she stopped him. "Wait, there's one more thing. There are, um, scars...from the accident...and I have enough screws in me to never make it through airport security," she said shyly. "No scar could ever make you any less beautiful to me," he said, looking her straight in the eye. Finally she allowed him to pull the shirt over her head. Sliding her bra down her arms, he tossed both garments aside.

_Come on and sing it out, out, out  
Come on and sing it now, now, now  
Come on and sing it_

Alec deftly switched their positions, lying her down on her back while he kneeled between her legs. There was nothing between his hands and her skin now. She bared herself before him unashamed. He paused and gazed into her beautiful blue eyes, searching for some kind of sign that she didn't want this. But he found nothing but love and desire there...and her soul. Looking at her then, he saw something he had never seen before. Her beauty went beyond just the physical. There was something about her...something inside of her that just took his breath away. Letting his hands wander over the ivory plane of her stomach, he caught sight of a scar just below her left breast.

Looking into her eyes once again he began to unbutton her jeans. Lifting her hips slightly, he tugged them down gently...stopping as he exposed a long scar along her hipbone. She whimpered softly at the feeling of his fingers lightly tracing it. It was as if he was silently trying to heal what was broken inside her. He noticed another scar low on her abdomen, well below her navel. This time sadness clouded his eyes as he thought about what had put it there. He couldn't even fathom what she had felt. Just trying to imagine how much it had hurt her to wake up one day and see the stomach that had once been swelling with their growing child suddenly flat, with an angry red scar staring back at her...it brought tears to his eyes.

"It's ok, Alec. I'm ok," Asha whispered softly, cupping his cheek. Taking her hand from his face, he kissed her palm and held it to his chest, letting her know that his heart belonged to her now. He softly ran his thumb along her chin before leaning down to claim her perfect pillowy lips. Meeting her eyes once again, he searched for any sign that she had changed her mind. He knew that there was no turning back from this point on, and he smiled slightly as he saw that there was nothing but need in those gorgeous blue orbs.

Turning his attention back to her stomach, he let his fingers dance along the scar below her navel. She flinched slightly...not from physical pain, but the pain of the memory. She inhaled sharply as she felt his lips brush against it. In that one kiss, he had sent fire coursing through her veins along with a million promises. The night was filled with soft touches and quiet whispers...sweet nothings pouring from lips parted in pleasure. They made love throughout the night and well into the morning...and for the first time in five years, Asha felt like she was where she belonged. She was in her place...lost and drowning in his love.  
_  
In my place, in my place  
Were lines that I couldn't change  
I was lost, oh yeah  
Oh yeah_


	12. On To The Future

"There is something seriously wrong with this picture," Max said. She, Logan, Alec, and Asha were all gathered at Logan's apartment. Logan and Alec looked at her curiously, having no idea what she was talking about. They were all sitting around the living room pouring over boxes full of files for a mission Eyes Only and the S1W were working on. "I'm working, you're working...hell, even Alec's working...but Asha's sleeping," she said to Logan, finally explaining herself. "Unlike us Manticore rejects, Asha needs sleep," Alec said, smiling as he looked over at the chair his girlfriend was curled up in. "Whatever, I'm waking her up," Max said. "Max, please cut me some slack. I have to go home with her, and I'm not up to facing her wrath," Alec replied. Max seemed to drop the idea, so Alec turned his attention back to the file he was reading.

"Ow! That hurt!" Asha screamed as a pillow smacked her square in the face, "Max, what the hell did you do that for?" "Me? What's makes you think I did it?" Max asked, trying to appear innocent but failing miserably. "Process of elimination. Logan is too much of a gentleman to ever hit a woman, even with a pillow, and Alec isn't crazy enough to do it," Asha replied. "She's right, I fear her," Alec interjected. "Well now that you're awake, how about working like the rest of us?" Max said. Asha just glared at her. Getting up from the chair, she went over to the sofa Alec was sitting on and stretched out with her head in his lap. "Come on Asha, you can't be that tired. I know you norms need sleep and all, but this is crazy. It's barely 8:00. Besides, Logan's a norm and he's still awake," Max said.

"Yeah, well Logan's not pregnant," Asha said sleepily. "WHAT?!" Max, Alec, and Logan screamed in unison. Asha groaned and buried her face in Alec's lap. That certainly wasn't the way she wanted to tell him. She had been agonizing for a week, trying to think of a way to tell him. She turned over onto her back so she could look him in the eye. "Alec, I'm so sorry. This really isn't the way I wanted you to find out," Asha said. "How long have you known?" Alec asked. "About a week," she answered, "I'm sorry, you have every right to be mad. I really wasn't trying to keep it from you, it's just...I don't even know if you want this." "It's ok. I understand why you didn't tell me right away. What I don't understand is how you could possibly think I might not want this. These past two years with you have been the best years of my life. I love you, and I'll love our baby," Alec replied, leaning down to kiss her. He placed his hand on her stomach and smiled.

"Umm, as acting big brother figure, I'm going to need to know what your intentions are with my little sister," Logan said. Asha laughed, he sounded so much like Aidan. "My intentions? Let's see..." Alec said, easing out from under Asha. She sat up and looked at him curiously as he stood there searching his pocket for something. When he found what he was looking for he kneeled in front of her. "My intentions are to love this woman more and more with every breath, to never let a day go by where I don't tell her so, to always treat her like the goddess that she is, and to make her my wife," Alec said, opening the small velvet box he had in his hand, "Asha, will you marry me?" "Of course I will," Asha replied softly, with tears in her eyes. He slid the white gold and diamond ring onto her finger. Sitting down beside her and pulling her into his lap, he kissed her to seal the deal.

"I can't believe there's going to be a little Alec running around. Why does the world want to torture me?" Max said, breaking the moment. "Hey, not just a little Alec...a little Alec and Asha," Asha said. "Nooo! That's even worse! That's twice the annoying power!" Max whined. "Will you stop picking on my woman please?" Alec said. "Oh but it's so much fun...almost as much fun as picking on you," Max replied. "If you promise to leave my fiancée alone for the next nine months, and try not to scar our child for life, we'll let you be godmother," Alec said. "Really? Cool!" Max said, smiling, "and hopefully it won't come out furry." "I'm never going to live that down!" Asha exclaimed, "Why can't she just let it go? I mean, it was years ago, and I have apologized over and over." "Shhh, I know baby. Ignore her; she's just messing with you. Don't get upset, it's not good for the baby," Alec said, trying to comfort his clearly frustrated fiancée.

"Baby, you're tired. Why don't you go home and lie down while I finish up this work?" Alec said as Asha yawned loudly. "Don't worry about it Alec, you two just got engaged, you should be spending some time alone. Go home and take care of our girl; we can finish this stuff tomorrow. Oh, and congrats guys. I still don't understand what you see in this knucklehead Ash, but as long as you're happy, I'm happy for you," Logan said. Asha hugged Logan, then she and Alec headed toward the door. "Hey Asha?" Max called after them, "Seriously, congrats...on everything. You deserve it, and I'm really happy for you." Asha smiled. "Thanks Max" she said, and with that they headed home. The future was looking bright.

Fin

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Author's Note: Well, that's it...I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks to everyone for all the great reviews.  



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